Help
Sign In
QaR
January 2008 
Fear on the Horizon
Posted on Jul 20th, 2007
by 
Dawn
Dawn
Eep! We have this conflict resolution training thing at work next week. And I have this whopping conflict that needs to be resolved between me and a co-worker. I think it is mostly my anger that needs resolving. I am already feeling the fear and feeling very avoidy.
So, I am re-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's wonderful 2001 book called Anger. And there is a lovely paragraph in it which is something that Stephanie Stean is VERY good at:
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give the other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him or her. Deep listening is the kind of listening that helps us to keep compassion alive while the other speaks, which may be for half an hour or forty-five minutes. During this time you have in mind only one idea, one desire: to listen in order to give the other person the chance to speak out and suffer less. This is your only purpose. Other things like analyzing, understanding the past, can be a by-product of this work. But first of all listen with compassion. (pg 93)
So a few months ago, Stephanie went around to my co-workers and did this kind of deep listening with everyone. What this paragraph does not say is that deep listening DOES tax the mental resources of the listener, and I'm afraid that Stephanie felt alot of pain during this listening process.
But now that part is over and the resolution work is beginning and I think it is going to be very hard for me.
So, I am re-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's wonderful 2001 book called Anger. And there is a lovely paragraph in it which is something that Stephanie Stean is VERY good at:
Listening to Give Relief
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give the other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him or her. Deep listening is the kind of listening that helps us to keep compassion alive while the other speaks, which may be for half an hour or forty-five minutes. During this time you have in mind only one idea, one desire: to listen in order to give the other person the chance to speak out and suffer less. This is your only purpose. Other things like analyzing, understanding the past, can be a by-product of this work. But first of all listen with compassion. (pg 93)
So a few months ago, Stephanie went around to my co-workers and did this kind of deep listening with everyone. What this paragraph does not say is that deep listening DOES tax the mental resources of the listener, and I'm afraid that Stephanie felt alot of pain during this listening process.
But now that part is over and the resolution work is beginning and I think it is going to be very hard for me.
Access: Public
I have more to write in response to this blog, and I will do so soon. For now, I want to make an observation. The deeper I go into you and your co-worker's conflict, the more I see that there really is no conflict between you at all. The conflict is within each of you but expressed towards each other. Both of you carry voices and judgments from the past (even before your work here) that interfere with your work relationship.
It is beautiful to see this, while at the same time painful. Beautiful because there is no REAL conflict to be resolved outside of yourselves; painful because you do not see this for yourselves yet. And might I add fun also… since we get to figure all of this out together :-)
Ok Stephanie, I have to trust you on this one. I am glad you can see it–cuz I don't (yet)!
The interesting thing is Dawn, this is the first time I have seen it like this. I have never experienced this awareness before, especially with such vividness. I was thinking about you two Friday and all of the sudden I had this experience of being with the two of you, and there was “nothing” between you. It was only blank. Like you were standing in a room of all white, and all I could see was you and your coworker. And you both were angry, but the anger was not about anything REAL (real meaning objectively real outside of yourselves). And when I think of myself mediating between you two, I see nothing to mediate. I literally see nothing.
This job just keeps getting more and more fascinating :-)
Also, what was taxing me was not the listening. I actually gain energy from deep interaction. I really enjoy your meetings for example, since you speak so openly.
I was emotionally taxed for other reasons.
“Beautiful because there is no REAL conflict to be resolved outside of yourselves…”
Is this the case for all conflict?!
I see outer conflict as being rooted in (emerging from) inner conflict.